Nicktales: Things You Step In On Set (a cautionary tale)

It was a crisp June morning in downtown LA when it happened…

5:45am; I pull up to the front of the penthouse loft we’re shooting in to unload my camera gear. The city hasn’t truly awoken yet, and the streets are empty save for a distant street sweeper whirring along sweeping streets and ticketing unsuspecting vehicle owners.

Taking the last swig from an energy drink, I quietly prep myself with a mental checklist of what is to come. The director was inexperienced and also acting as the DP, I knew the It was going to be a long day. Looking into the rear view mirror -- back at the pile of black cases full of gear in my Jeep I think to myself, “even on these longest days of shooting, at least I get to shoot.”

Then I step out of the car, my flip-flop wearing foot squarely landing on a fresh, glistening, layer-of-goo-covered pile of dog biscuit, sliding a good 5 inches before coming to a stop.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate that stepping in shit with your sneakers is one thing, stepping in shit in sandals -- much worse. The reason being is that -- the shit was tall, it was substantial and ever so slightly, when I surfed the wave of this shit sundae in my sandals, it grazed bare skin.

I bet at least one day in the glamorous movie set life of film sensation Jimmy Stewart started this way, quietly scraping his footwear of choice on the curb, maybe picking it out of the nooks and crannies of a rubber soled shoe with a stick.

Dogs-1, Nick-0

So halfway into the day, I’m in the middle of lighting a scene in the living room. Now -- in all of the scenarios where I’m on set, never in the mental registry of “things that might spontaneously happen”, did “dog will appear and urinate on my feet” enter that list.

See, there was no dog, no dog on set. No dog even conceivably close to the set. You can imagine everyone’s surprise when all of a sudden, without warning; a dog bursts onto the set.

I watch as this big, goofy puppy appears as if supernaturally, chased by a PA while the producer shouts “this can’t happen, this can’t happen!”, and tears around the room knocking things over, tail wagging like a windshield wiper and excited as can be. He narrowly escapes the grasping fingertips of everyone in his path, generally causing quite an impressive amount of chaos before turning his sights past me.

As he shoots by, I stoop down and grab him by the collar. I look into this dogs eyes and he’s just the happiest thing I’ve ever seen! Of course he’s still incredibly excitable so when I try to calm him down by rubbing his face and ears, this guy lets go, pissing all over everything, including on my feet.

Dogs-2 Nick-0

From now on, mandatory for any production I work on, it will be stipulated in the contract that at least one man with a net be standing on dog watch at all time. Apparently these dogs are a menace.

Just a week later I was barefoot again (why am I always barefoot in these stories?), shooting a steadicam shot on a private beach in Malibu.

The shots were gorgeous, the singer and the model looked amazing, everyone had a good time on that beach. When we were walking up the stairs back to the main set, someone points out "Hey there’s a giant seagull feather stuck to your foot." And there was, a giant, filthy, crusty seagull feather jutting out from the bottom of my heel. When it wouldn’t scrape off via my other foot, I had to reach down and saw that it was pasted onto my foot with nothing other than -- oh yes, a palm sized LAYER OF DOG SHIT!

Dogs-3 Nick-0

Now I'm thinking, do dogs have a pact with the universe against me or something? Did I accidentally kick a sack of puppies and I don’t remember it?

But when I reach down to peel the feather away it’s really stuck on there. This isn’t dog shit, it’s toxic sludge.

Whew, Dogs-2 Nick-1?

It stunk of motor oil, and refused to come off, even when I used a shell from some kid's shell collection to scrape it off. It was like pulling gum out of hair, just stuck.

This of course is when my gaffer comes out to tell me their ready for my approval on the lighting in the next scene we’d had them set up while we shot on the beach. So of course I spent the next hour lighting and shooting this music video with my heel covered in delicious, cancerous, oil. I know it’s impossible that it’s from the BP spill, but all the same:

Oil Barons-1 Nick-0

Hollywood, it’s a glamorous business we’re in :D

-Nick